Huff Huff Huff

So I am not great at this blogging thing. If you could take look into my written journal you would fine the same thing. I have a problem with being consistent not just with blogging but in a lot of things in my life. I have not spent time with God in the am for the last couple of days either. Why is it so hard to be consistent? I feel like I am just floating through life without a purpose. What is my purpose? Who know? See this is me! This is my walk!! Sometimes I am up and sometimes I am down!! Maybe some people don't like to read about peoples up and downs up but this is what my blog has become. IT IS ME!! I am not perfect and I am not consistent. Am I working on it? Daily! Sometimes I even get tired of hearing myself complain that is why I don't blog sometimes. I mean really enough is enough right! Get over myself I say!! There are more important things to think about and worry about in the this world. Right? I don't even know what I am saying any more or where I am going with this. This is dumb!! Let me tell you why I have not been spending time with God the last couple days. I have this friend she is very much addicted to drugs, pain pill mostly. She called me the other day to say that she was in so much pain that she went to the ER for some help. Code for she needed some pills. She tells me that she has a crocked spine and nerve damage in the hand and feet. The ER doctor gives her some meds and she goes to her regular doctor the next day. They tell her that her has fibromyalgia I am thinking great now is has an excused to keep taking the pain pill for the rest of her life and someone to give them to her. But she called me this weekend and told me that God has healed her and she was full of the holy spirit. She said that she had been in so much pain that she could not get out of bed but decided to try and go with her husband to her mothers house. She said that her son had to help her out of the car and into the house. Once they came in her mother in law had a friend there that was visiting. She took on look at her and saw the pain that she was in and they started to pray over her in tongues and in the spirit. She said after that she was healed and able to run and jump and has been without pain every since that day. Do I believe this storey YES!! Do I believe that God healed her YES! So what is the problem? Why her? Why not me? Why not all the other people that live their lives for God and their prayers are not answered? Why can't we all be healed? Why even though I do believe that God will heal me do I have to work so hard for it and others do nothing but get prayed over. Why am I questioning God? I just have to. Things that I think about and know that no one can answer. Just makes me wonder what I am doing wrong? I understand that God does everything for a reason and that maybe He wants her healed now to help and save someone else and I also understand that maybe he is letting me go through my walk this way to build my character but sometimes I just don't fully get it. I have another friend that has a problem with drinking. I see her everyday trying and moving through the motions look to God all the way and still she relapsed. Why can't God set her free from her chains to live a normal life again. Is this not why Jesus died to set us free. And I know that she is asking and praying for that healing,so why not just heal her? Question question question I could go on forever and still never know until I get there I guess.

Morning Prayer

Ok so even though I did not blog last night I did get on my knees and pray that morning and this morning. I have decided that I wont get up early but that I can make time in the morning to spend with God after Eric is off to work and Cody is off to school. So Tuesday morning was good. I got on m knees for about 15 minutes and instead of praying I just listened. I felt like God was telling me that I need to listen to Him more. He said that there are going to be tough time coming when I will need to make hard decisions and I need to listen to Him. He said that the things that He will ask me to do will not seem maybe right in the world eye I guess you could say but they are going to be His will for me. So I have to listen!! The other thing I heard over and over again was just how much He loves me. I was thinking later I wonder why I kept hearing that over and over and God just revealed to me that I don't really believe or understand how much He loves me and He is going to continue to tell me until I really believe Him. So it was nice and I looked forward to doing it this morning. This morning was more of me just listening and God telling me that I need to be praying for the people in my life everyday. He said that He has put these people in my life for a reason and I need to pray for them. Even the ones that I no longer see or talk to. They were introduced into my life and He wants me to lift them up in pray. Kinda like the scripture talking about pray for you enemies, that is the feeling I got. So I am trying to do what He is asking me to do. I am trying listen more when I feel Him speaking and will be praying for the people I know in my life more. It is only a start and I know that 15 minutes does not seem like much but I believe that it means the world to Him and that in time as my faith grows so will that time.

Spending Time

Why is it so hard to spend time with God? I was reading in Mark and it was saying that Jesus got up early in the morning before the sun came up to spend time with God and pray. I want to be able to do that, but honestly I am to lazy. Do I think that it would improve me life and make me feel better? No doubt! So why is even the thought of it so hard? I get up every morning at 6:00am to get ready for work. Why? Because I have to be at work at 8:30. Why is it that I can commit to my job in that way but can not commit to God in the same way? I am sure, so sure that the pay off will be way more than any pay check I get every 2 weeks, so why it is so hard? Jesus said that it would not be easy and I guess if it was then it would not be God. I mean really why would the enemy make something that brings us closer to God easy!! I think that my fear is that I am going to get up earlier and get on my knees and the think....ok now what? Am I supposed to be saying something? Am I supposed to be feeling something? And what if I don't have I done something wrong. I have heard of people getting up and hitting their knee every morning and spending time with God for hours. What are they experience? What are they feeling? Believe me if I knew that it was going to be this amazing experience every morning I would be there no matter what. But what if it is not? Maybe it is not supposed to be right at first? Maybe God wants us to be the first ones to make the step to meet Him and then He will meet us? I think that I will at least try. Starting tomorrow I will get up 30 minutes earlier and get on my knees and spend that time with God. I will blog about what I experience and hopefully what I hear. I don't know about you but I love it when I hear from God it is truly a blessing.

Angels

Are there really Angels among us? I was listening to the radio tonight and they were talking about angels. People see them around other people. So what do you think? I heard a story once from Joyce Myer, she said that after one of her shows someone came up to her and told her this story. There was a man and a women that attended the conference. The man had brought the women for her birthday and was mostly there just for her. After Joyce spoke the husband asked the wife. Who were the 4 men in white coats that followed Joyce during the show. His wife was confused and asked what men. He said that when Joyce came out on the stage 4 men followed her and when she started to speak they drew swords and stood at attention the whole time. There were no men on the stage that anyone else say but a glimpse from God for this man to see the angels that guarded Joyce. The man was saved that night!! So it just got me thinking again....do I really have angels that are with me? Do you have angels that are with you? What kind of Godly power do these angels hold for us? I have heard that they respond to the Word of God, what am I missing out on? Just a thought, one of those questions you have and can't figure out and put to the back of your mind. Like this one,will I get to see my babies when I get to heaven? How old will they be? Will they know me? Do they know and see me know? Oh man I could go on for days!! Guess I just need to be in prayer and word to get some real answers!

Good Old Times

Today for me was a blast from the past! Listening to old music, watching old movies and thinking about old times. It is fun to think about the time when I was younger and the fun things I used to do along with the stupid things I used to do. I was watching karate kid tonight, Love that movie and just remembering where I was in my life when I first saw that movie. I was probably in Junior high, looking pretty nerdy and thinking that I knew everything there was to know about live. Man I didn't know anything!! Don't you just wish that for one minute you could be a kid again? No bills, no responsibilities but maybe cleaning your room and going to school for free and getting an education. What was I thinking when I said I wanted to grow up and move out! Now I have more bill than I can pay, more responsibility than I probably want and I can't go to school because I can't afford it. Man we really had it made back then!! But anyways the times are fun to remember I guess and even though I did some stupid things I would not change anything! One of the biggest mistakes that I thought I made at the time was getting pregnant at 15, probably not the right age but differently the right child! Cody is differently the BIGGEST blessing in my life and I could not ever imagine not having him in it. He is 15 now and will be16 in November. Thinking about old times I remember when I was pregnant with him looking at his car seat thinking I can't wait until he is here and now he is getting ready to drive. Where does the time go? So I guess my point is time flies so don't talk it for granted and take the time to remember the good and the bad there is always a lesson learned or to be learned with each experience.

Bucket List

So I was thinking it may sound crazy but I think I want to make a bucket list. There are so many things that I want to do and places I would like to go. I have many excuses why I can't or don't but that true is I can do all these things if I put my mind to it and think ahead. So here is my bucket list as of right now.


1. Take my son to China
2. Go to France
3. Do missionary work in another country
4. Reach my weight loss goal.
5. Get my nursing degree
6. Ger out of debt
7. Climb a mountain
8. Sky dive
9. Open a center to help the homeless


I am sure I can think of more but these are some of the top. So now the mission is to get started on it.....where do I start???

When He Speaks

So I don't know about you but when God speaks to me He speaks to me. Today He was really speaking to me about someone that I work with. I think that probably from day one I had been told that this person was controlling and mean. So that is pretty much how I have seen her from the beginning. I have let myself get caught up in what other people said instead of getting to know this person for who they really are. I am sure like all of us this person as their faults and has areas in her life that need work, but we all do! So today God was really speaking to me about getting to know her, pray for her and to try and understand her. It is so much easier for us to just talk crap about someone than it is to pray for them and befriend them. Why is that so hard? I think for me it was putting my pride a side and telling her that I was sorry for judging her on the basis of what other people have said and letting the form my opinion of her. Jesus did not come to heal the well He came to heal the sick. That is the message I was getting today as I looked at this person. She is hurting, she needs pray and that is what I should be doing for her. Jesus said that it is easy to love someone that loves you, but what we should be doing is love those who don't love us so we can show them Jesus and so that they might be saved. I see that need in this persons eyes. Pray for your enemy, I would not say that she is my enemy but I would say she is someone that I would not normally befriend. So here is the challenge. God is telling me that I am to help her pray for her and help lead her to Him. How am I going to do this? I am not so sure. I think I am going to start with prayer, prayer and more prayer! God lead me in the direction you want me to go and help me see what You see, hear what You hear and say what You would say.

Weight Watchers

Well, I am down 14.6 as of today and I tell you it feels great to finally be doing this and getting it right. Before I stopped after a couple weeks but this time I am going all the way. I have 8 more pounds until I hit my 10% and the I get 10% key chain. I know that it may sound funny but I can't wait to get it. My total goal is to loss 60 pounds and keep it off and I really think I can do it this time!! So excited!! I know that it is not much to say to night but man I am just so happy!

Doubting

So I am seeing that there is much more the this bloggin than meets the eye. I am kinda digging it!! So I have not sent the letter yet I was really feeling yuck this weekend about it. I know that it is the right thing to do but I know that once I send this letter that will be the end of it. So I was praying that God would just give me another sign that this was really His will and not just me being scared. So I called my friend Carla this morning. You may remember me talking about her before she was the one that brought me to my relationship with Christ. Anyway, she is really hard to get a hold of and this morning I got a hold of her. I have not talked to her in about month and there she was. It was so nice to hear her voice I just needed a little reasurence you know. So I gave her the full story and she confirmed what I need to hear. She said " Margie as badly so you want a baby for you to hear that this is not your child has to be God" I just needed to hear it again. She said that she would continue to pray but that is what she felt when I told her. So I am going to mail the letter tomorrow. I have to let this go, besides I am borning myseld with talking and thinking about this so much. I want to move on! So I will!!

The Hardest Letter I Have Ever Had To Wright

Ok so this is the letter I will send to my brother. Please read and comment I am open to any suggestion before I send it.


Dear Marc and Rachell,

This is probably that hardest letter I will ever have to wright. First of all I want to tell you that the gift you are offering me is the most amazing gift I could ever ask for and will ever be offered again. I want this child more than you or anyone knows that is why it make this even hard to say. I have decided not to take the baby. I know that you are probably wondering why I did not just call you and tell you this and the reason is this. I want you to really HEAR what I am saying from my heart and I felt that the only way I could do that was to but it on paper. I want this baby! I want it so bad my hands shake and I cry as I write this letter. I feel like I am turning away my last change to ever have another child and it scares me to death! But what has brought me to my decision is God. I hope that the two of you can understand this and you may even think that I am crazy but this is the truth. Through all this miscarriages I have had I have heard God telling me that my child will come, but I have to be patience and wait on Him. I have been waiting 15 years now and I thought that your offer of this child was the answer to that pray but I feel that is not true. I am constantly reminded of Sarah in the bible. If you don't know that story I will share it with you now. Sarah and her husband were promised a child by God and Sarah just became older and older with still no child. She decided that she would let her husband be with the maid servant so that he could have an child. Long story short Sarah did end up having a child but had to go though letting her husband be with another women and see them have child which I can imagine was painful and in the end the pain was unnecessary if she would have just been patience and waited on God. I don't want to be like Sarah. I want to be able to have a child and it be in Gods will. I hope that you can understand what I am say and if not at least respect my decision. This child is a blessing. Maybe he was not planed but he is a blessing and he has a brother and a sister waiting for him when he gets here, along with two parent and grandma and grandpa that will love him as well. I know that this will be a struggle for you but that is what family is for and we will all be here for you. Please don't think either that it is because it was a boy that I am say no because that can't be further from the truth. Boys are great and they sure do love their mothers I would give anything to experience that all over again. I can't tell you how often I look at Cody and wish he was still a little guy running around the house in a towel as a cape. Boys are a joy!! So I hope that you both understand and know how much I love you both for what you have offered me, again it is truly the best gift I could have ever asked for.

Love,
Margie

Stange The Things That Make You Think

So I finally saw the movie Avatar, if you have not seen it yet a totally recommend you take a look. It is out us ( people on earth going to another plant and trying to force the people there to leave so we could get this rock that was worth a lot of money. Typical get greed factor. The thing that entreated me was the place that they lived. It was so beautiful and amazing it got me thinking about heaven. I know that this is just a very small window into the amazing wonders that God has waiting for us but I still just longed to be there. I know it sounds weird but I think that it was just the peace and the beauty that drew me. It makes me excited for the thought of Heaven and what it will be like!! I just can't imagine! It also makes me think about what I have done lately to prove that I deserve this gift? What have I done lately or am I doing to further the kingdom? What is my purpose here? I go to work and home everyday, I am a slave to my debt and feel like I can't get any were I until I get rid of it. Lesson learned? Yes but I know that I need to be doing something I am just not sure what. I am reminded of a story that a pastor told us once when he was asking people to volunteer in the Church. He said that him and his brother were play and he fell and hit his foot. In extreme pain he looked down and saw that his little toe nail was gone. Oh the pain he said. He said that it was something very small and that did not seem very important to him until it was missing. He explained that even though you might feel like you are not doing anything major in the church or in life and that no one will miss you the truth is that every thing that everyone does is important and when you are gone everyone feels it. So I guess I know that there is nothing to small that I can do but I just need to start doing it. What do you all do to help bless people and please God?

Not to much to say about this photo, just want to share him will the blogg world. This is my other baby Toro. He is 7 years old and the love of my life out side of my son Cody. I mean really who could not love those ears, or is it only a mother could love those ears? :)

The Grand God

This is one of the pictures I took at the grand canyon last week on my vacation. Isn't it beautiful!! I will tell you that before going to the grand canyon people really played it down and said that it was just a big whole in the ground and I was not sure if I wanted to see it. The were right it is a big whole in the grand but to me there was so much more to see. I see God. I know that scientist study the rock to see how long it has been there and how it got there but to me none of that matters really. I see God! I see a carefully crafted piece of art that He made for us to enjoy. For our pleasure. I could not help myself when I was there from just speaking out in tongues and praising God for the works of Hid hands. I just think that it is amazing! He is all around us in every way and in everything and you don't even have to look closely it is right in front of us if we would just remove the scales from our eyes. The enemy can blind us from so much in life so many wonderful things. So this is my thought for tonight. What can you see today that reminds you or God and how much He love us. This is mine for today lets see what I find tomorrow.

The Truth Be Told

Well, I have made my decision. I have decided to listen to God and I am not taking the baby from my brother and his girlfriend. My brother called me again tonight to have me talk to his girlfriend so she could ease my mind that everything was going to be fine and that she was going to be able to give us the baby. She said all the right things and if it was meant to be I would be the happiest women in the world right now, out shopping buy baby closes and kicking Eric out of the spare room to turn it into a nursery. But that is not the case. I spoke to my mom and told her how I felt. I told her that the last thing I want to for them to think that I don't want the baby because that could not be further from the truth!! I told her the story about Sara in the bible and even though she might think I was crazy I really felt like God was telling me not to be like her. Don't jump the gun, wait on me and the promise that I have given you. I explained to her that my flesh is screaming, " ARE YOU STUPID THIS MIGHT BE YOUR LAST CHANCE!!!" But for once in my life I need to listen to what I know God is telling me. Not that I am never going to have another baby but that this is just not my baby. I was very happy and surprised that she was so understanding. This has been another of my worries that I was burdening them by not talking the baby because they would have to help take care of this one long with the other two they have. But she understood and that meant the world to me. Thanks mom!! So that is that or kinda, no I have to tell my brother and his girlfriend. I have decided to write them a letter. I feel like the only way I can really be sure that they understand and that I can say all that I want to say it by writing it down. So that is my plain I will be working on it this weekend. I might try to put a proof copy on here if you all want to add comments. Thanks to all of you for your prays it means alot to me and it comforts me to know that I am making the right decision. Now down to serous business......Sara was like 90 when she had her baby. God, I hope we can work out a deal!! :)

Letting Go and Letting God

I only have a 15 minute drive to work and to most places that I go in town, but man how your mind can wonder in those few minutes. I got another phone call today from my brother about the baby. He called to congratulate me telling me that I was going to be a mom again of a little boy. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! This is driving me crazy what do I do God what do I do!!! So as you can imagine this is what I was thinking tonight as I came home from dinner. It is like I am split down the middle. One part of me is excited and was looking at street sign to see if I saw a name that stood out to me, since my brother asked me what I was going to name him.TORTURE!!!! Then the other part of me is saying hold up, are you sure that this is what Gods wants you to do? Yes He might let you but that does not mean that it is His will. I can only pray that if it is not His will that He will shut it down and they will change their minds but something is telling me that this is a test to see if I really want His will or my will. I wish that I could just fast forward to the end of this story and this would all be over. Maybe it could be over tomorrow if I would listen to God and tell them that I can not take the baby? I need your prays, I know that is what He is telling me but I just can't bring myself to say the word! Why can't I just trust God and REALLY believe what He told me without doubting and move on!! I am so tired just really tired. I am sure that most of the people around me are tired of hearing me talk about it too, at least that is the way feel. I mean I am always saying how stupid it is not to trust the God of the whole world, the ruler of everything so why is it so hard? I guess it all comes down to fear and letting go of something honestly I never had control over.

Who Is Watching

So as part of my attempt to listen to what God is telling me I need to work in my life right now the one thing that he has been pressing on me is to be kinder to people at work. Not to the person personally but by not talking about them when they upset me behind their back. I think that everyone struggles with this sometimes, but for me God has laid this down as a problem for me. It is so much easier to complain to someone else instead of going to that people and telling them how you feel and we or I do this thinking that they are not there to see or hear what I have to say. But God is! I wonder how much kinder we all would be if Jesus was standing next to us all day long.....oh yeah that's right He is!!! Nothing that we do is in secret. God is always there but some how we forget that and chose no the care. I think that it is funny when I think about how I act when my boss walks by the room. I make sure that I am quite and doing my work just like I should, but God is with me all day and if He replayed some of the things I said and did when I thought no one else was looking, Man I would be horrified!! So I am really trying to be better. I don't think that I am a bad person but know that I can be a better person if I pay attention.

Feeling Better

It is funny how you can miss something you have never seen. It's funny how you can feel someone missing you that you have never seen! It is comforting to me to know that no matter how far away I put myself God is always there waiting for me, missing me wanting me. I can feel it, it is really cool and just reminds me how real He really is. I have been back sliding for the last couple months. Not going to Church not spending my time with Him and I can feel it. I feel like something is missing and He was. Not that He was not there but just that I have not been letting Him in. This week, today I start over. I start with Him in mind and keeping Him with me. I feel better today I still have a decision to make in regards to the baby situation but I feel good about where I am going and I know that in the end God will lead me to the right decision. I have decided to try and focus on some thing else. Something else beside what I want or how I feel but I focus on what other people may need from me today. If I spend all my time worrying and feeling sorry for myself then how can I possible help others? I love it when God speaks to me, the truth is He speaks to us all the time but we just don't always listen. This week He has reminded me to do a couple things that maybe I have not been doing lately.

1. Forgive
2. Be Kind
3. Be Patience
4. Be Slow to Anger

Things that I know I should be doing but when you pull yourself away you are quick to lose them. I was reading in Mathew and reading about how Jesus said that we should come to Him as the children. I was thinking about this for a while and then today when I was at work one of my patients came in with her little girl, about 4 years old. She sees me and run to my yelling Margie and hugs me. To cute right well before she left she said " I love you Margie" and gave me a kiss on my cheek priceless. This is what God was talking about!! This is how we are supposed to love Him and each other. This is how He loves us. Priceless just priceless!! This little girl just loves unconditional no restriction no judging just love!! That is the real picture of Jesus and the way He want us to be. I pray that I can get to that stage in my life where I live care free like a child going on day to day just loving and living in the comfort of my Fathers arms!!

The Truth About Walking

Walking is easy. You can walk just about any where you want. Sometimes you know where you are going and other times you just set out with no destination in mind. For me I think that most of the time I know where I want to go it is just stay on the correct path to get there. This is the truth about my walk with God and the direction for my life. Some times I feel like I know where I am going and am going on the right path and then something comes along and takes me some where that I never expected to go. As you can tell I have not been blogging in a while due to one of the detours. Anyone that knows me knows that I long for another child and have been unable to carry to term since my son. This consumes me more than I want it to. I had finally came to a place were I felt like I was ok with my life just the way to was and was ok if God blessed me with another child or not. I was happy with my life the way it was. Well, then the detour came. My brothers girlfriend found out that she was pregnant with their unexpected third child. Wow what a blessing for them as I bit my tongue trying not to let the ungodly anger come up again. The twist, they have offered to give this child to me. Wow now I am really scared!! What if they change their minds? What if I change my mind? Am I ready? Do I want this child YES!!! Am I scared YES!!! What am I scared of? I am scared of being out of Gods will for my life. I can't tell you how many times I have heard God tell me don't be like Sara. And I can't tell you how many people have confirmed that very saying. I am scared that if I take the baby it will be out of Gods will and it will not be the blessing that I want it to be and then I am scared that maybe this is my only chance and if I don't take it then I will never have another chance. What if I heard wrong? What does my heart say? Well, that is what I need to figure out. It is hard to get my flesh out of the way so I can hear it. It has caused me to fall away from what should be my true love, GOD. Sometimes I think that is it. I feel like until I can make God the true love an focus of my life nothing else will work. How do I let go of this? I want to move on and live my life for Him and Him alone but it aways seem to come back to this over and over again. The question is what do I do? I think that I know the answer to that but again am to scared to take that step. Pray for me please as I trying to get back on the path that God has made for me and not the enemy.

Getting Back On Track

Well, we got moved. It is funny how when you are in the moment every thing seems to be moving in slow motion but when it is all over it seems to have gone by so fast. I think that I am learning to see beyond what is in front of me. Whatever is happening today does not have to effect my tomorrow if I don't let it. Sometimes things your troubles may drag on for a while but when it is over when you look back I find myself thinking.....was it really has bad as I thought it was? Why did I stress out so much about that when in the end.....I know some people hate the phase but " It is what it is " and worrying and stress do not change what is happening. I still do I can't say I don't but I am learning to take a step back and think about what I am feeling before I let myself get to a place where I don't want to be. It has been hard for me since we have moved to back on track with my walk. Honestly I have not been on track even before this. On track to me is getting in Gods word everyday and going to church every Sunday and honestly that has not been happening. I can feel the pulling of God on my heart for my time and yet I still remain selfish and do what I want to instead. How can I be a good disciple for God if I am not in His word and learning it every day? I can't I know that and I feel really bad about it. Starting this week I am going to turn the TV off and get back into my word and after I read I will blog and tell everyone what God showed me. I do miss Him and even know it still amazes me that He misses me to. God likes to speak to me a lot in parables just like He did in the bible. I have a little dog name Toro and when I get home from work or just being out for a while he is so happy to see me jumping on me and kissing me. He follows me all over the house where ever I go her goes and if I sit down he is right in my lap. God showed me one day that that is just how He feels about us. Longing to be with us and spend time with. He loves us that much. Why are we so selfish? Why and I so selfish? I need to get my priorities straight. God first and then everything else will fall into place.

Boxes Boxes and More Boxes

Well, we are still in the process of moving but hopefully this will be the last move we have to make until we move into the house that we are going to buy. I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO looking forward to that day. To have something that is my own that I can do what I want to with and know that I never have to move again!!! Things have been really crazy this month on top of moving things at work have been a mess to. People quiting and everyone else having to pick up the slack is starting to wear on me. It just seems like just when you get comfortable at this job something happens and you are in a whirlwind all over again. It is very frustrating. Does not much good to complain about I guess just have to go with the flow. So that is what I am doing going with the flow. Let just see where it leads me.........................

Approved!!

I read something interesting the other day. It was talking about loving yourself and accepting yourself, which as you know has been an issue for me. It said that WE are all approved by God, just the way we are He has approved us. This really hit me. I myself in life do not have great credit and every time we apply for something I am scared that I will be denied. When we are approved I am so excited and feel so great about myself that someone has approved me. Think about it, why do we get so excited about something like that when God has approved us. Not only did He approve us but He saw that all of us had bad credit and would never meet His high approval rating so He made a way for us to be approved!! Maybe it is just me but this really touch me. No matter what I think about myself or how I feel it does not matter. God has already approved me and I am in the family. I just thought that it was cool. We but a lot of emphasis on getting approval in life when the only approval that matter is Gods.

Jobs

Does anyone ever really LOVE their job? There are days when I feel like I really enjoy my job and others that I am totally exhausted. Today is one of those days!! Don't get me wrong I like what I do and I have a great job with great benefit, but do you ever really love your job? Are there people that can't wait to wake up in the morning to go to work? Shouldn't everyone have that opportunity to have that experience? Maybe not, maybe we should all just be happy to have a job and suck it up right? Well, I don't know I guess for now I am just going to have to suck it up!!

Regaining Focus

This a the Word that God gave me about 2 years ago to read everyday, and I did for a while and then stopped. After my post yesterday God really speak to my heart again that I need to get back to what matters most and that is learning to love myself. This word is all about me and deals with what I struggle with. Today I start reading it again every morning and today I share it with you.

I am a strong, confident,beautiful,intelligent woman who has the mind of Christ and who is created in God image. God loves me and I have favor with Him where ever I go. I am in control of every aspect of my life and I lean not on my own understanding but His alone. I CAN do all things through Christ who strengthens me and am forgiven of all my sins upon confession and asking for forgiveness. I will lead this day with honor for the God that gave me life and gives me every breath that I breathe today and all others if He is willing. I will walk in the fruit of the spirit keeping my ears open to hear His voice and will no longer let the enemy steal one more minute of my joy. I accept every promise that God has given me and I will stand firm in His word without doubting. I speak these these things out loud Jesus name and will have the peace and joy that are in them.

Feelings

Are feelings lies or are they real? The way I feel about myself I know does not line up with the word of God and I know this to be true then why do I still feel this way. Why can't I just love myself for who I am right now or love myself enough to change! It is like a vicious cycle back and forth. I hate feeling this way but I also know that I am the only one that can do anything to change it. So what do i do? I want to be able to live my life and be happy without feel guilty. Yes we are talking about my weight again because honestly it is all I think about. It controls almost my every thought and I am so tired of it. I also have not been to Church or pick up my bible for about 2 weeks now and that is not helping me either. I miss Him and I can feel the tug on my heart for Him missing me too. I love that feeling and it makes me want to cry just realizing that the God of the whole world misses me and wants to spend time with me. Why am I so selfish? I know that some where deep down inside me there is a place a person that can do all the things that God has planed for me but it is finding the strength to pull that person out that gets me every time. They say it is so much easier believe that bad stuff over the good. I don't know about that. I guess in the moment you may feel good but afterwards you feel worse than ever. Bottom line is I know that it comes down to Me, Myself and God. He told us that it would not be easy,not just my weight problem but everything in life. I just feel like if I can just get passed this one thing, the main thing in my life that holds me back from feeling good about myself I can spit in the face of the enemy and get on really living and loving myself. Please pray for me. I had a pastor once tell me that when we live for the flesh we are feeding are our big fat black dog ( Satan our flesh ) all the while there is a little skinny white dog ( God our spirit ) who is starving to death and begging for out attention. I can see this picture in my head when I think about him telling me this. Why do we do that? Why do I do that? I want to start feeding my spirit and not my flesh pray for me that I can work on this.

Distracted

Hello again I am back!! Things have been pretty crazy the last week in my life. It seems like we are moving after all. Sometimes when I think that I hear God telling me one thing He reveals it me that I was hearing myself all a long. That is the great thing about God though He loves us so much that even when we makes mistakes He still makes it right. So that is one thing that has been going on and everything else is just typical job drama. I know that it is normal to have people come and go but this month I have had two of my MA's give notice and it is really stressing me out!! But right now I have to go do some packing so to be continued.......................

Busted!!

OK so as you can see I did not blog yesterday about what I ate.....why? Because I cheated! You see this is how is always goes for me. I do OK for a couple days and then I bomb!! I hate it when I do it and I just wish that I could eighter love myself enough to stop cheating or love myself enough to stop thinking about it all the time and just accept myself for who I am today. I guess I just know deep down that I can be better, but how do I get there? I hate feeling like this. It is back and forth back and forth all the time and it makes me feel helpless.

Stress Out!!

Today was a really stressful day at work! I did how ever manage to stay on track with me eating which is surprising for me. People much be praying, thanks! :) What happened at work, well noting out of the ordinary just one of those days when everyone wants something and wants it right now. Anyways, let me give you my food list for today.

Breakfast: Brand Cereal with coffee
Lunch: Turkey Sandwich( I liked it twice ) and yogurt with granola.
Dinner: Stake, Salad and a veggie.

I do have to confess that last night I did have a yogurt after to blogged so just so I am honest there you go. I guess sometime soon I should tell you my weight and what my goal for weight loss......but why rush things I mean we barely know each other, ha ha:) I will say good by for now but hopefully tomorrow I will have something better to blog about, until then God Bless!!

So I am here to give my daily eating report.
Breakfast: Wheat Toast with peanut butter, 2 cups of coffee with creamer
Lunch: Turkey sandwich with lettuce and tomatoes, little mayo
Dinner: Lean Cuisine with a salad

Not to bad if you ask me. I think that I figure to out to be just under 1000 calories. Tomorrow I will count better. I can only hope that this will work. I have tried and tried but always give up at the sight of something I think I want to eat or someone offering me something I know I don't need and just want. I think that I have decided that I will have a day once a month that I can have something special that I really want. I think that this will give me something to look forward to and help me not to go over board every other day of the week. Guess we will see.

Morning Thoughts

So for me the morning routine is the same. Get up start the coffee and start the thoughts. Hating myself and feeling bad about what I hate the day before wondering why I have no self control and why I can't just get this right. Why is food so important!! So I have decided, I am going to blog everyday what I have ate for the day. If I have to write it all down maybe I can think before I eat. I am so tired of this controlling my life. Pray for me! I know that everything is one step at a time but it seems like in this area it is one step forward and ten thousands steps back. I want to be able to wake up in the morning and feel good about my previous eating day. I am just so tired of feeling this way. I WANT TO BE HAPPY WITH MYSELF AND LOVE MYSELF!! Pray, pray, pray for me please.

Another Day at Work

Well, today was a typical day at work. I work at a doctors office working with nephrology patients ( kidneys). I have been doing this for 7 years now and for the most part I really enjoy what I do. I have found that even though recently I have been feeling like I want a change, the people that I have met and the friendships are worth the hassel that come sometimes. I remember before moving here that I thought and felt like I would never find people to uplift me in my walk like that people back home. In Texas before I came to know the Lord, I remember very clearly standing in my kitchen arguing with my husband about church and what religion that we should be. I was confused and maybe even a little scared. I remember yelling at him telling him " When God himself comes down here then and only then would I go to any Church or be any religion!!" Funny how God hear us and takes on the challenge. About a month later Eric met the women that would bring me to know Christ while hooking up her dish I love the story when she tells it. She says that she was chatting with Eric while he was hooking up the dish asking him out his family and life when she felt a overwhelming feeling that God wanted her to invite us to church. She said she argued with God in her head for a few minutes and then fine just blurted out " Got Church?" My husband responded with What? She said you know got church like got milk? LOL I think that is so funny I can only imagine God laughing at her as she says it but hey it got the point across and here we are today. That is inspiring to me and is something that I think about a lot. Just two simple words brought me and my family to Christ. It reminds me to never be afraid that speak out about your faith and to listen to God when he asks you to do something. I can only imagine where I would be today if she had not listen to God and asked us to church. It is not always easy but it is always for a reason. I was very close to her before I left and did keep in contact with her for much of the time that I have been here but after a while we went our own way and I prayed to God that He would send someone in my life that I could relate to again in that way and He did. She is a very special women and I love her very much and thank God everyday that she is in my life. ( Muareen) :) I ask God for everything and I love to see Him bring them to me. Sometime it is not in the same way I think it should be but He always comes though. So I am still feeling the itch to move in my job but again I am reminded that I am here for a reason and will try to wait on God to tell me where to go next.

My First Blog

Well, this will be my first blog entry and I am kinda excited to see how all this works. Today's agenda goes as follows....we are looking at another house! Why? Do I want to move? No!!! See this is the problem. My husband wants to move. We have moved more times since we have been married ( 12 years ) than I have in my whole life. This would not be a problem for some but for me I have a 15 year old son and a STRONG longing for a place that I can call my own. I for a very long time refused to dream that I would even have anything especially a home of my own. You know little house white picked fence, little dog and 2.5 kids. Well, none of these things have seemed to work out for me so I refused to even let myself dream. But now I am in a different place in my life. I am talking my life one step at a time and thanking God for ever small victory that I overcome. Things have not been easy and I am sure that most of us can agree that we are tested everyday. I have had a long struggle with the loss of the things in my life that I feel are important to make me that person that I think I should be but the more I grow in my walk with God the more I see that what I feel is important to have in this life is not as important as what He wants for me. Did I come to this revelation over night...Oh NO!! Let me give you a little history, I had my son when I was 16 and meet to my current husband when my son was 2 years old. For the last 10 years or so we have been trying to have a child together without success. I am able to get pregnant but miscarry shorty after. This has been a huge test in my faith and has surly but a dent in my plains for 2.5 kids. To add to this stress I was being told by my "friends"that I was cursed and that there was something that I or my husband was doing to cause God to let this happen to me. It's been a long road to recovery for me. I believe that I am one day going to have another child and I also believe that I will have the house that I dream of but in Gods timing. So my point is that for years I have been moving from house to house just hoping that it would be the one and trying and trying for another child hoping that it would be the one but in the end not matter what we try to do it will never work without God. I used to ask God, " OK so you don't want to give me a house and you don't want to give me a baby so what do you want me to do?" I figure since I was not going to have these things that there must be something else really big and wonderful that He had planned for me. You know like going to Africa to feed the hungry, start an organization here to help people and devote my life to the cause, you know something so big that it would require all of my time and energy. But last week while I was complaining that I was tired of doing the same old job and was ready for a change, God set up a dinner for myself and a friend at work. This was supposed to be a bible study with a couple people from our job, but at the last minute it turned out to be just her and I. As we started dinner and our bible study and she began to tell me of her life and struggles God really spoke to me and said,"This is important to me, you being here helping my people come to know me and have a relationship with me. Just because you are not going to Africa dose not make the work I have here for you any less important." This really spoke to me. I am here for a reason, I am at this job for a reason and until God moves me I need to be grateful and let him work out His plain not mine. So are we moving again? I don't know? Do I want to ? No! But I am willing to go were even God wants me because even though looking back on the last 10 years the moving the miscarriages I have to believe that is was and is all still for a reason.