Huff Huff Huff

So I am not great at this blogging thing. If you could take look into my written journal you would fine the same thing. I have a problem with being consistent not just with blogging but in a lot of things in my life. I have not spent time with God in the am for the last couple of days either. Why is it so hard to be consistent? I feel like I am just floating through life without a purpose. What is my purpose? Who know? See this is me! This is my walk!! Sometimes I am up and sometimes I am down!! Maybe some people don't like to read about peoples up and downs up but this is what my blog has become. IT IS ME!! I am not perfect and I am not consistent. Am I working on it? Daily! Sometimes I even get tired of hearing myself complain that is why I don't blog sometimes. I mean really enough is enough right! Get over myself I say!! There are more important things to think about and worry about in the this world. Right? I don't even know what I am saying any more or where I am going with this. This is dumb!! Let me tell you why I have not been spending time with God the last couple days. I have this friend she is very much addicted to drugs, pain pill mostly. She called me the other day to say that she was in so much pain that she went to the ER for some help. Code for she needed some pills. She tells me that she has a crocked spine and nerve damage in the hand and feet. The ER doctor gives her some meds and she goes to her regular doctor the next day. They tell her that her has fibromyalgia I am thinking great now is has an excused to keep taking the pain pill for the rest of her life and someone to give them to her. But she called me this weekend and told me that God has healed her and she was full of the holy spirit. She said that she had been in so much pain that she could not get out of bed but decided to try and go with her husband to her mothers house. She said that her son had to help her out of the car and into the house. Once they came in her mother in law had a friend there that was visiting. She took on look at her and saw the pain that she was in and they started to pray over her in tongues and in the spirit. She said after that she was healed and able to run and jump and has been without pain every since that day. Do I believe this storey YES!! Do I believe that God healed her YES! So what is the problem? Why her? Why not me? Why not all the other people that live their lives for God and their prayers are not answered? Why can't we all be healed? Why even though I do believe that God will heal me do I have to work so hard for it and others do nothing but get prayed over. Why am I questioning God? I just have to. Things that I think about and know that no one can answer. Just makes me wonder what I am doing wrong? I understand that God does everything for a reason and that maybe He wants her healed now to help and save someone else and I also understand that maybe he is letting me go through my walk this way to build my character but sometimes I just don't fully get it. I have another friend that has a problem with drinking. I see her everyday trying and moving through the motions look to God all the way and still she relapsed. Why can't God set her free from her chains to live a normal life again. Is this not why Jesus died to set us free. And I know that she is asking and praying for that healing,so why not just heal her? Question question question I could go on forever and still never know until I get there I guess.

Morning Prayer

Ok so even though I did not blog last night I did get on my knees and pray that morning and this morning. I have decided that I wont get up early but that I can make time in the morning to spend with God after Eric is off to work and Cody is off to school. So Tuesday morning was good. I got on m knees for about 15 minutes and instead of praying I just listened. I felt like God was telling me that I need to listen to Him more. He said that there are going to be tough time coming when I will need to make hard decisions and I need to listen to Him. He said that the things that He will ask me to do will not seem maybe right in the world eye I guess you could say but they are going to be His will for me. So I have to listen!! The other thing I heard over and over again was just how much He loves me. I was thinking later I wonder why I kept hearing that over and over and God just revealed to me that I don't really believe or understand how much He loves me and He is going to continue to tell me until I really believe Him. So it was nice and I looked forward to doing it this morning. This morning was more of me just listening and God telling me that I need to be praying for the people in my life everyday. He said that He has put these people in my life for a reason and I need to pray for them. Even the ones that I no longer see or talk to. They were introduced into my life and He wants me to lift them up in pray. Kinda like the scripture talking about pray for you enemies, that is the feeling I got. So I am trying to do what He is asking me to do. I am trying listen more when I feel Him speaking and will be praying for the people I know in my life more. It is only a start and I know that 15 minutes does not seem like much but I believe that it means the world to Him and that in time as my faith grows so will that time.

Spending Time

Why is it so hard to spend time with God? I was reading in Mark and it was saying that Jesus got up early in the morning before the sun came up to spend time with God and pray. I want to be able to do that, but honestly I am to lazy. Do I think that it would improve me life and make me feel better? No doubt! So why is even the thought of it so hard? I get up every morning at 6:00am to get ready for work. Why? Because I have to be at work at 8:30. Why is it that I can commit to my job in that way but can not commit to God in the same way? I am sure, so sure that the pay off will be way more than any pay check I get every 2 weeks, so why it is so hard? Jesus said that it would not be easy and I guess if it was then it would not be God. I mean really why would the enemy make something that brings us closer to God easy!! I think that my fear is that I am going to get up earlier and get on my knees and the think....ok now what? Am I supposed to be saying something? Am I supposed to be feeling something? And what if I don't have I done something wrong. I have heard of people getting up and hitting their knee every morning and spending time with God for hours. What are they experience? What are they feeling? Believe me if I knew that it was going to be this amazing experience every morning I would be there no matter what. But what if it is not? Maybe it is not supposed to be right at first? Maybe God wants us to be the first ones to make the step to meet Him and then He will meet us? I think that I will at least try. Starting tomorrow I will get up 30 minutes earlier and get on my knees and spend that time with God. I will blog about what I experience and hopefully what I hear. I don't know about you but I love it when I hear from God it is truly a blessing.